‘You don’t think I’ll ever be able to manage drinking normally do you?’
And there it was – the stinging accusation – thrown down like a gauntlet. In my head a part of me was screaming ‘of course you can not drink normally‘ (whatever that means) and the other part of me was repeating the mantra ‘don’t react, don’t react’ over and over again.
We were in the 6th week of yet another cycle of ‘this time I’m going to give up’ and as usual it has been going well. Everything was calmer. Everything was easier, everyone was happier. But once again the demon rears its ugly head and starts to take control of him and once again we start the not so merry-go-round.
I find this hard. There is no-one I can talk to. I need an outlet for my thoughts so that I can keep perspective. So I have decided to start writing. I will allow myself just 15 minutes, because I can not let this madness take hold of my life again. I have worked hard on reflecting on my own behaviour and worked at ways of ‘letting go’. I can not let some one else’s addiction dominate my thoughts and life, but I do need a way of expressing myself and so I thought this may help.
It frightens me to write this, and if I don’t like it I can stop, but it may just help…